State of Wonderment

Jon Stewart works to save the world… March 19, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — stateofwonderment @ 8:35 pm

Shock and disbelief… Jon Stewart is dropping the laughs and completely working to create more honesty and help us normal citizens by calling people out LIVE.

Wow… I’m truly impressed…

This is seriously embarrassing for Jim Cramer, a supposed financial expert who is supposedly “on our side”… Jon Stewart practically puts him in a headlock with his honest, blunt words.

Again, I’m impressed… honesty, intelligence, efforts to be upstanding… GO JON!! :)

Comment what you think.

http://www.thedailyshow.com/full-episodes/index.jhtml?episodeId=220533

 

::ChAoS:: February 27, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — stateofwonderment @ 12:31 pm

Honestly… I’m just really sick of my life being chaos… Clinging to the truth that You stay true when my world is false… even when everything around’s always breaking down to chaos…

Complication is my claim to fame
I can’t believe there’s another, constantly just another
and I can’t avoid what I can’t control
I’m losing ground, still I can’t stand down
I know, yeah I know…

I know You stay true when my world is false
everything around’s breaking down to chaos
I always see You when my sight is lost
everything around’s breaking down to chaos

I know You stay true when my world is false
everything around’s breaking down to chaos
I always see You when my sight is lost
everything around’s breaking down to chaos

It’s hard to trust anyone again
after all the let downs I’ve been through,
haunted by what I’ve been through.

Air’s still trapped, while I still can’t breathe
and I’m screaming out, give me help somehow
I know, yeah I know…

I know You stay true when my world is false
everything around’s breaking down to chaos
I always see You when my sight is lost
everything around’s breaking down to chaos

I know You stay true when my world is false
everything around’s breaking down to chaos
I always see You when my sight is lost
everything around’s breaking down to chaos

Chaos, chaos

I know you stay true, yeah
I know you stay, yeah, yeah, yeah

I know You stay true when my world is false

~Mute Math “Chaos”

 

::The Wilderness:: February 18, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — stateofwonderment @ 2:37 am

Please read all of this because its amazing. :) I have written down part of a sermon by Paul Matthies at The Village Church (the church I attend, you can get the sermons through iTunes podcast: The Village Church sermons. I highly recommend it! :)). This sermon is the third part of his “Only the Lonely” series (amazing!). He is talking about loneliness, how to deal with it, the roots of loneliness, and how to respond to God through it. Please read it a few times even and please pray about it and examine your heart. Let God change you and love you into a better you. Let God tell You who He is and draw you into a closer relationship with Him. :) ~Mandy

“A man can no more diminish God’s glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word ‘darkness’ on the walls of his cell.

God intends to give us what we need, not what we think we want. Once more we are embarrassed by the intolerable compliment of too much love, not too little.” ~C.S. Lewis in The Problem of Pain

“Do you understand that God is worthy of worship regardless of how we feel and regardless of the circumstances we’re in? We have to learn to put a period where God puts a period. And He says “I am worthy of worship” period. Worship is not just a response to what God does for us, it’s a response to who He is! Do we realize, church, that if God never did another good thing for us, He would STILL be worthy of worship? God as His very nature of being God is Self-existent and Self-glorious and His very nature mandates worship because He is God and we are not. He is glorious! He is the Creator and we are the created thing and we must ascribe to Him the glory due His Name. Because He is worthy of worship regardless of the gifts He gives us, even if He’s seeking to hide His face.

Later in the sermon:

“And here we must understand that just because God is hiding His face from His children does not mean that God has quite working. If anything He is working in us that which is most pleasing to Him: Faith! And so when God is hiding His face from us it goes something like this, [He says]: “Seek Me. I’m going to hide my face from you, but right now I’m doing the most important work in you that I could ever do. I’m going to teach you what it means to diligently seek Me period. And I’m going to give you a heart of worship that says I am worthy of worship period. Not for the things I do but for who I am. So are you going to turn to the world? Are you going to turn away? Or are you going to keep pressing in? Because right now if you trust me I’m doing the most important thing in you that I could do. I’m working in you the thing that pleases me. And what pleases me is faith that leads to worship.” So God is not turned away from us though He hides His face. He’s doing the most important thing He could do in us. He’s giving us the level of faith and type of worship that makes Him smile! What does this have to do with loneliness you may be wondering? What it has to do with loneliness is that sometimes its not the will of God for you to run from your loneliness. Sometimes its not the will of God for you to fill it up with the world or with other people. Sometimes the will of God for your life is to walk in it. Don’t run from it, walk in it. Why? Because seeing it as something given by God we then can understand that in that moment even though we may not feel it, He is working IN us FAITH!

Its not going to always feel good to assume an attitude of worship. Because the thing about dying to self is that sometimes it feels like death.

Worship is not my way of controlling God and changing Him. Worship is my means by which I submit to God’s control and He changes me!”

~Paul Matthies in the 3rd part of his Only The Lonely series at The Village Church

“A man can no more diminish God’s glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word ‘darkness’ on the walls of his cell.

God intends to give us what we need, not what we think we want. Once more we are embarrassed by the intolerable compliment of too much love, not too little.” ~C.S. Lewis in The Problem of Pain

“For great is the LORD, and greatly to be praised,
and He is to be held in awe above all gods.
For all the gods of the people are idols,
But the LORD made the heavens.
Splendor and majesty are before him;
Strength and joy are in his place.

Ascribe to the LORD, O clans of the peoples,
Ascribe to the LORD glory and strength!
Ascribe to the LORD the glory due his name;
Bring an offering and come before him!
Worship the LORD in the splendor of holiness,
Tremble before him, all the earth;
Yes, the world is established; it shall never be moved.
Let the heavens be glad, and let the earth rejoice,
And let them say among the nations, “The LORD reigns!”
Let the sea roar, and all that fills it;
Let the field exult, and everything in it!
Then shall the trees of the forest sing for joy
Before the LORD, for he comes to judge the earth.
Oh give thanks to the LORD, for he is good;
For his steadfast love endures forever!”

~1 Chronicles 16: 25-34

 

Honesty tonight February 12, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — stateofwonderment @ 10:16 am
Tags: , , ,

My eyes are burning
and threatening tears
Are You there?
Do You care?
I sigh as I hear nothing
Knowing I have probably
pushed Him so far out
to the limits
of my self-built
“safety zone”
“He isn’t safe,
but He’s good.”

I fear the silence
Not wanting to be honest with myself
why I do
I fear I won’t hear You
I fear I’m alone
So I fill every orifice
with clutter
and noise
to drone out my fears

Til I’m deaf

The last thing I want to be

Deaf to You

And my heart breaks.

~Me

 

::Untitled:: December 21, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — stateofwonderment @ 9:55 am

I hate nights like this where I just feel so… indescribable.

Or maybe its that I know exactly why I’m feeling this way and I hate it… I hate that these things still bother me, still hurt me so deeply…

Why do I have to be wounded? Why won’t they go away? Why don’t people who I love just let me love them rather than attacking me or pushing me away…?

Why does this have to hurt so much…?

Pain, please go away… please… please go away…

I hate that you and you and you and you and you hurt me. I hate that the hurts won’t completely go away. I hate that I feel damaged. I hate that my wounds could one day wound others like yours’ have wounded me. I hate that I care about you because it does it bring me pain. I hate that I can’t let go of those I love. I always love them and it hurts. I hate that I feel so confused the majority of the time. I hate that I feel lost. I hate that my feelings control me at times like this. I hate that I can’t stop them. I hate that I don’t know why you did that to me. I hate that people tell me I shouldn’t ask. I hate that I want to ask why. I hate that you don’t care enough about me to get over your own crap so that it doesn’t hurt me, when I constantly try to get over mine so it doesn’t hurt you. I hate that I yearn for someone to love and live my life with. I hate that I’m scared I won’t know how to receive that love once it finds me. I hate that I don’t always trust God. I want to trust Him so much more. I hate when He doesn’t answer my prayers clearly and I especially hate it when the prayers involve other people’s hearts and I’m lost with what to do. I hate being afraid. And sometimes I hate caring for people as much as I do… and right now, I hate needing to say all of this…

 

I Need Africa More Than Africa Needs Me December 4, 2008

Filed under: Africa, Jesus, Perspective — stateofwonderment @ 9:23 pm
Tags: , ,

Hello my friends! :) I know a lot of you have asked about my trip to Africa two years ago and I would explain the best I could, but I could never put my experience into words the way this woman did in her blog. Africa is still far better experienced than talked about (because words cannot do it justice) but this blog does VERY WELL at describing my experience as well, even though I went to Uganda rather than Zimbabwe. Please read it because every one of the 50 people in my group felt the same way… This blog was written by Kate McDonald. She is an amazing writer and her blog is: http://katemcdonald.wordpress.com Oh and please read the comments by a woman named Lisa too, because she actually grew up in Africa. I’d love to read your responses too! Oh how I miss Africa…

“<b>I Need Africa More Than Africa Needs Me</b> November 24, 2008 by katemcdonald

*read through post for all exciting news* The flight from Auckland, New Zealand to Johannesburg South Africa was almost 16 hours. Oh, and I was six months pregnant with Cohen. The flight attendant found an empty row and let me stretch out and prop my feet up. For as long as I could remember, I had wanted to go to Africa. While I had heard the sentiments of other church-goers that they were afraid to to say to God ‘Here am I! Send me!’ because He might send them there, I had said so kind of in hopes He might. You see, I had this lofty idea I would go and change the world. By the time I was 25 and actually going I knew I might not change the world, but I was sure just seeing Westerners and knowing we would go back and share their stories would elevate these “down trodden third world victims”. The images I had of Africa as a child- vivid colors of traditional garments and long histories of tribal dance and story telling- had morphed into a single image of a child with a distended belly in a swarm of flies. Nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to experience. I tried to think and mentally get in gear in the months before we left and even tried to cram in some last minute preparations of that dreaded 16 hour flight. Africa wasn’t what I expected. Sure, we were witness to funeral, we met children who have AIDS, we met lots of orphans who were being raised by the elderly or the oldest child in the family. I just had never let my mind get beyond the suffering… I prepared myself to be to experience only that. Suffering. Imagine my surprise that the lasting impression I have of Africa is one of JOY. And not joy in spite of suffering, just JOY…the kind that has no strings attached. From the moment we got off of the plane, we were met with beautiful smiles and warm welcomes. Every family we met laughed and embraced us even as they shared what hardships that had endured. We met a man who had a boatload of children and several farm animals and he was literally GLOWING as he explained to us how they were learning to farm in the midst of drought and be the best stewards of what they had. One of my personal favorite experiences was the day we spent at a local school. The children had prepared for us a program, complete with dancing and singing and original poems and several plays the learned in English. At one point, the drug Shawn out onto the “stage” with them and strapped some hollowed out gourds to his legs and made him try to replicate their moves. If it hadn’t been for some missing shoes and the thinness of many of their bodies, we might never have known they were lacking anything. Shawn was behind the camera a lot on the trip and I was never without my pen and notebook. Still, I often felt at a loss for what to write. I had planned on writing such gut wrenching stories of terror that everyone who read them would be compelled to empty their pockets and bank accounts on behalf of this charity. But I found myself wanted to write about funny moments during the day and dancing and a sense of community that gave context for everything else that was happening… even at the funeral we attended…the whole neighborhood came out in the best clothing and held each other and sang for hours and wept together… even in that saddest of moments, the note worthy event wasn’t death. After our last church service in Zimbabwe (where we spent most of our time), I was in awe. The team of workers there, all originally from Zimbabwe, had sung with passion and harmonies that left every hair on my body standing at attention. I was too moved to talk; to moved to sing. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I listened to songs I was familiar with and others whose language eluded me and realized that it didn’t even matter: the Spirit was the same. That evening, our little group stretched out on the ground outside our little house and watched the stars. We watched mostly in silence, knowing that for all of us, this trip hadn’t been what we had expected. My thoughts went most often to the sweet, nearly blind grandmother we had met- “GoGo Moyo”… she heard us coming and had run out to meet us, singing and jumping and embracing us… she is raising her three granddaughters and has buried all of her children and yet when we asked about her hardships, the translator listened and then began to repeat “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want…” I thought about her words and her demeanor and those eyes blued by age but alive and dancing none the less. A shooting star flung itself across the perfectly black night sky and I knew the beautiful and royal people of Africa had given me more than I could ever give back; I knew that had made a permanent place in my heart. Isn’t that just how it is? So often when we go to serve, we find ourselves the recipients of something greater. I need Africa- I need her rich history. I need her creative problem solving and hard work and determination to survive. I need the strength of Her spirit. I need her JOY that comes not from having modern conveniences, but that comes from a well within. I need her hope in the face of great challenges. I need her faith that what God says is true even if you can’t see it right now. I came with images of suffering in my mind, and left impressed with the spirit of these brothers and sisters. I no longer see Africa as a place we need to rescue because of their poverty. I see Africa as a place we need to partner with because of the great inner poverty we will sustain by not recognizing all that She has to offer us. We need Africa more than Africa needs us. I need Africa more than Africa needs me. I have been asked to be a part of a few campaigns but nothing that has excited me more than this one. If you haven’t heard of Mocha Club, then I am excited to get to be the one to introduce you. Mocha Club is a community-based website where members can start a team and invite friends to join them in giving $7 a month – the cost of 2 mochas – to support a project in Africa. Mocha Club’s vision is to provide a way for people who don’t have hundreds or thousands of dollars to make a difference in Africa. Share your thoughts in my comments, and even blog about it yourself. Join in the worthwhile cause of recasting the damaging images that force pity over partnership. Come back Dec 1st to see what Mocha Club is doing about reforming that image. We get to be apart of more than just talking about it friends- can’t wait!”

Comments by Lisa:
“Lisa Hey! I think Mocha Club is a GREAT initiative and I will help spread the word! Can I just say, though, that Africa is a HUGE place- a continent with hundreds of religions, cultures, histories and races- and I think we should be wary of describing/defining it simply in relation to us (i.e. The West) and what Africa needs from us or what we need from Africa. We should definitely learn from Africa and recognize or co-dependence, but I think that begins by recognizing it’s multiplicity and vastness. Thinking we understand all of it and what we need from it by visiting or reading about one place is problematic. Colonialism and the devestating effects of Imperialism have permeated our Western discourses concerning Africa and it’s hard to determine what is fact and what just is fabricated images of Africa. But language and terminology are important- we need to think carefully about how label and talk about Africa, so that we do not unknowingly perpetuate a colonialist tradition. I’m not in any way saying this in judgement- I hope that’s clear- this is something I struggle with myself and hope to get better at. I grew up in Northern Africa- Khartoum, Sudan- and have visited a few other countries around there. I’m often perplexed and confused by the discrpancy between that experience and my studies now (I’m doing an MA in English in London and a large part of our course involves Postcolonialism and how we define ‘The Other’ in relation to the ‘Self’ etc). My parents followed a call that had them leaving everything behind and settle in Khartoum in an attempt to change things and I reap the harvest of their courage every day. But I am also painfully aware of how easy it is to do more harm than good. Anyhow, I just wanted to slide these thoughts in here.. I love your blog Kate, it’s so raw and honest! My Dad always says that when you have been a missionary for a while you realise that missionary work is first and foremost for the missionary, second of all it’s for the church back home sending the missionary out, and finally, if you are lucky (or blessed!), you might be able to contribute something to the country you have been sent to! He always talks about how grateful he is to have had the opportunity to live Africa and all that it has given him, he always thanks his Sudanese friends for putting up with him… We need more African missionaries in the West! All right, I’m off but felt compelled to write this. Have a blessed week! x on November 24, 2008 at 5:09 pmLisa I just read over what I wrote and perhaps I did not express myself very well.. sorry! All I meant was that the notion of the African Exotic Other as a moral guide for the depraved West is a very old one… Africa has been denied an identity in and of itself and has only been employed as an abstract concept in order to define the West. It exists as it is whatever we theorize it to be. Mabye that wasn’t a whole lot clearer, but there you go! x”

https://www.mochaclub.org/ <a

 

Why I love all types of art November 16, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — stateofwonderment @ 3:17 am

“(Art)… rescues us from our self chosen triviality, to which we are so prone. It is like a deep organ note that makes my hair stir and a shiver run through me. I ‘pull back’ from life, like a camera taking a long shot with a wide angle lens. I quite simply become aware of more reality than before.” -Colin Wilson


 

A poem I just wrote concerning my thoughts about God lately… October 31, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — stateofwonderment @ 6:35 am

You’re so strange
the moves You make
the ways You save
Always unconventional

You’re so intriguing
the way You’re just You
no apologies
yet Your true essence is love

You never stop
You never sleep
Thats so unique
My human brain cannot comprehend it

I often feel confused
by Your moves
but checkmate,
their always perfect

Hindsight is 20/20
so they say
and so I see
with You and me

©Mandy

 

To someone who will probably never read this… September 24, 2008

Filed under: relationships — stateofwonderment @ 5:47 am
Tags:

I both love and hate when a song just reminds you so much of something painful thats happened to you…

You speak of love
But you ain’t no lover
You were a friend
More like a brother

As the miles pass beneath me
The sounds made so sweetly came to an end
…but now you’re a liar
And you’ve no room left to defend

I should have known better
Of the kind of man that you are

And I know you got a lot of pain
That’s born inside you
But instead of growing stronger
You let it divide you, oh

How could you be so careless?
How could you be so careless?

But a trust has been broken
And words, you refuse to speak
But you can mend

How could you be so careless
How could you be so careless
How could you be so careless with (my) heart?

~”Careless” by Amos Lee (some words changed by me)

 

The reason why September 11, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — stateofwonderment @ 6:48 am

I think about how it might have been
We’d spend our days travelin’
It’s not that I don’t understand you
It’s not that I don’t want to be with you
But you only wanted me
The way you wanted me

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
And we can hang our heads down
As we skip the goodbyes
And you can tell the world what you want them to hear
I’ve got nothing left to lose, my dear
So, I’m up for the little white lies
But you and I know the reason why
I’m gone, and you’re still there
I’m gone, and you’re still there
I’m gone, and you’re still there

I’ll buy a magazine searching for your face
From coast to coast, or wherever I find my place
I’ll track you on the radios, and
I’ll sign your list in a different name
But as close as I come to you
It’s not the same

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back
And say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I know the reason why
I’m gone, and you’re still there
I’m gone, and you’re still there
I’m gone, and you’re still there

So, steal the show, and do your best
To cover the tracks that I have left
I wish you well and hope you find
Whatever you’re looking for
The way I might’ve changed my mind,
But you only showed me the door

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back
And say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I, you and I know the reason why