To someone who will probably never read this… September 24, 2008

I both love and hate when a song just reminds you so much of something painful thats happened to you…

You speak of love
But you ain’t no lover
You were a friend
More like a brother

As the miles pass beneath me
The sounds made so sweetly came to an end
…but now you’re a liar
And you’ve no room left to defend

I should have known better
Of the kind of man that you are

And I know you got a lot of pain
That’s born inside you
But instead of growing stronger
You let it divide you, oh

How could you be so careless?
How could you be so careless?

But a trust has been broken
And words, you refuse to speak
But you can mend

How could you be so careless
How could you be so careless
How could you be so careless with (my) heart?

~”Careless” by Amos Lee (some words changed by me)

The reason why September 11, 2008

I think about how it might have been
We’d spend our days travelin’
It’s not that I don’t understand you
It’s not that I don’t want to be with you
But you only wanted me
The way you wanted me

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
And we can hang our heads down
As we skip the goodbyes
And you can tell the world what you want them to hear
I’ve got nothing left to lose, my dear
So, I’m up for the little white lies
But you and I know the reason why
I’m gone, and you’re still there
I’m gone, and you’re still there
I’m gone, and you’re still there

I’ll buy a magazine searching for your face
From coast to coast, or wherever I find my place
I’ll track you on the radios, and
I’ll sign your list in a different name
But as close as I come to you
It’s not the same

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back
And say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I know the reason why
I’m gone, and you’re still there
I’m gone, and you’re still there
I’m gone, and you’re still there

So, steal the show, and do your best
To cover the tracks that I have left
I wish you well and hope you find
Whatever you’re looking for
The way I might’ve changed my mind,
But you only showed me the door

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back
And say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I, you and I know the reason why

Sometimes… September 7, 2008

Sometimes I wish I could go back to all the guys who have hurt me and tell them about how much they contributed to me being so fearful, confused, and paralyzed when it comes to relationships… scared to trust now when I’m naturally so trusting, hesitant to believe someone that they are who they say they are because none of them were, struggling to believe what they say is true and sincere and that they won’t just give up when things get tough, feeling like I should change myself sometimes because so many guys are afraid of a woman who is confident in Christ, and really… just so scared that I’d rather just be alone.

This is so not like me to write something like this… but right here, right now, I realized I needed to because thats exactly it… I’d rather take the blame than confront someone on what they did. I’m as honest and open as can be, but I hate to hurt, even if its the truth.

Hmmm… so many people and so many things flashing through my mind…

Sometimes I wonder… if only they knew.

What happened?
Where did you go?
I don’t recognize you now
Did I ever really know you?
You were so quick to criticize the people in my past
But you did everything they did
Hypocrite
You hurt me
But do you even care?