I hate nights like this where I just feel so… indescribable.
Or maybe its that I know exactly why I’m feeling this way and I hate it… I hate that these things still bother me, still hurt me so deeply…
Why do I have to be wounded? Why won’t they go away? Why don’t people who I love just let me love them rather than attacking me or pushing me away…?
Why does this have to hurt so much…?
Pain, please go away… please… please go away…
I hate that you and you and you and you and you hurt me. I hate that the hurts won’t completely go away. I hate that I feel damaged. I hate that my wounds could one day wound others like yours’ have wounded me. I hate that I care about you because it does it bring me pain. I hate that I can’t let go of those I love. I always love them and it hurts. I hate that I feel so confused the majority of the time. I hate that I feel lost. I hate that my feelings control me at times like this. I hate that I can’t stop them. I hate that I don’t know why you did that to me. I hate that people tell me I shouldn’t ask. I hate that I want to ask why. I hate that you don’t care enough about me to get over your own crap so that it doesn’t hurt me, when I constantly try to get over mine so it doesn’t hurt you. I hate that I yearn for someone to love and live my life with. I hate that I’m scared I won’t know how to receive that love once it finds me. I hate that I don’t always trust God. I want to trust Him so much more. I hate when He doesn’t answer my prayers clearly and I especially hate it when the prayers involve other people’s hearts and I’m lost with what to do. I hate being afraid. And sometimes I hate caring for people as much as I do… and right now, I hate needing to say all of this…
