Sometimes… September 7, 2008

Sometimes I wish I could go back to all the guys who have hurt me and tell them about how much they contributed to me being so fearful, confused, and paralyzed when it comes to relationships… scared to trust now when I’m naturally so trusting, hesitant to believe someone that they are who they say they are because none of them were, struggling to believe what they say is true and sincere and that they won’t just give up when things get tough, feeling like I should change myself sometimes because so many guys are afraid of a woman who is confident in Christ, and really… just so scared that I’d rather just be alone.

This is so not like me to write something like this… but right here, right now, I realized I needed to because thats exactly it… I’d rather take the blame than confront someone on what they did. I’m as honest and open as can be, but I hate to hurt, even if its the truth.

Hmmm… so many people and so many things flashing through my mind…

Sometimes I wonder… if only they knew.

What happened?
Where did you go?
I don’t recognize you now
Did I ever really know you?
You were so quick to criticize the people in my past
But you did everything they did
Hypocrite
You hurt me
But do you even care?

Finally Breathing August 2, 2008

Wow… I feel like I can finally breathe again… This whole summer I have been struggling to breathe, gasping for breath even, but not in a physical way (even though I do have asthma). I have felt so suffocated, confused, paralyzed, deeply hurt, and responsible.

The last word may sound like a good thing: responsible. But in the way I mean it, its both deeply hurtful, dangerous, and suffocating. I will not be able to post this on my facebook because too many people know my parents and I am not writing this to give them a bad name. I love my parents DEARLY! So much that it almost kills me at times because they are impossible to please. I hate talking about this kind of stuff, but I must.

I have been living with my parents since the end of May because I moved out of my apartment in Grand Prairie and have been trying to find the right new place for me in Denton. Well thankfully I have finally found it, because this has been a really hard time for me. My parents are the type where they drive themselves crazy “performing” and “doing” and they are what many call “Type A” people. They are amazingly hard workers and I admire them greatly because of how hard they work, but I hate seeing how miserable they seem a lot of the time because the motive of their hard work is not largely love and service for God, but instead, largely fear and anxiety.

For example, my dad comes home from work everyday around 6-7pm. He is self-employed and does very well. He has earned every cent of it and never was given anything in that regard. My parents have a incredibly nice house and take care of it incredibly well. They have never spoiled us. But despite how gorgeous my parent’s house and ranch is, my dad comes home every single night and is displeased with something. Lately it has been that we have a few trees that are dying right behind our house. He has gotten so upset about those trees dying several nights that he even said that he’s selling this place and moving if any more die because he cannot stand seeing the big beautiful trees dying. Now granted, the trees are beautiful and if we lose them all it will detract from the place a lot, but if you could see the place you would know what I mean… its not that big of a deal in the context of life.

But every single day he still comes up upset about something whether its the trees, some weird mark on the driveway, the way the grass was cut or not cut, how low or high the pond is, whether its rained in awhile or not, some slight mark on some wall, or one of the other million things I have heard him say over the years. My mom is a lot like this too. I do not say all this to make fun of my parents. Not at all. I love them so much that it kills me that they find their worth in what they do. This is a completely futile thing because we, as human beings, are all so imperfect its ridiculous, and there is just no possible way that we will do even the majority of things perfectly, much less all of them perfectly. But, even though most Christians (and most non-Christians too) know this at least partially… we still live our lives with these incredibly high expectations that we will never meet.

Why is that? Well, that question in itself would take forever to answer, and honestly I definitely don’t have it all figured out either. haha But, I do know that we get that way from taking on other people’s impossible, unhealthy expectations and demands of us, consciously or subconsciously listening to what our society tells us we should be or what satan lies in our ear that we should be, and our own selfishness in wanting to be like God: in control and capable of anything.

So back to why I feel like I can actually breathe right now. I was just texting a girl back that had message me to pray for her. I love this girl dearly and she is going through a lot right now. She asked me to pray for her family, because of several reasons, and to pray for her because she wants to meet their needs so bad, but wanted me to pray that God would meet them. I know her very well and know she struggles with trying to be perfect all the time, so I prayed for her and her family and then just let God speak through me, and I actually felt Him speaking through me.

Then as I was writing one part of the text, it hit me like a loving message from God about the reality of what I was saying and the reality that I totally and completely needed to hear those same words myself! haha I just froze staring at the screen as I was lying on my bed with my fingers still on the keys…. “Wow…” is all I could think. Then I reread the message and couldn’t believe how much I needed to hear the same words! I was both so blessed, so amazing, and so humbled in that moment! God can speak in such incredible ways! Even through us and to us at the same time! haha :) This is what that part of the message said:

“…I will certainly be praying for you and your family often. I cannot imagine how helpless you must feel, but you are totally right, God is the only One that can meet all their and your needs. Please do not feel like you have to be perfect or meet their needs because that is a responsibility that you should not take on, and were not created to take on that responsibility…”

Wow… I cannot express to you or explain to you adequately enough how helpless, confused, and totally inadequate I have felt my entire life around my parents. Now don’t get me wrong, I know they love me. And like I said, I love them very much. But there is a funny thing about being a perfectionist and “never happy with anything” and “type A” and “performance oriented”… it bleeds out all over everyone, especially those you love, and makes a complete mess of things. I have learned in my life and through the lives of my family, that there is no way you can be all those things and not project them onto others. In other words, there is no way you can have impossibly high standards for yourself, be driven by fear that you will mess up at any moment or miss something, be never pleased with anything, or be always having to do “one more thing”… there is no way you can do all those things and NOT do those same things to others. You will automatically expect way too much of others, be way too hard on them, expect them to perform and please you (even if its subconsciously and just a little bit), and be driven by fear in your own life. That is one scary, dangerous way to live.

And I realized when I wrote that to my friend, that my parents started out the same way I have been feeling this summer and struggling against all my life. Thank God that I know Him and He helps me to struggle against it and even wakes me up to the knowledge that its happening so it can be changed! But I had forgotten about all this during this summer because I have been just struggling to survive around my parents amidst all their impossible expectations and demands and the fact that I am constantly disappointing them because their is no way I can ever fulfill those expectations. I was reminded that only God can fulfill things perfectly. We humans were literally not created to be able to, because we were meant to rely on a God who could, and lovingly wants to fulfill every need for us and others.

I have felt suffocated, deeply hurt, confused, and so many other things around them my whole life, and living with them again this summer just brought it all out even more so. But that doesn’t matter, after I realized all this and got over the beautiful shock of it all, I just prayed and prayed that God would not allow me to let all that junk ferment in me and become like my parents. When we take on responsibility that we were not meant to take on, like pleasing others, doing everything right, being perfect, fulfilling every want and need… it becomes a gigantic, messy disaster that is not totally exclusive to our life because it totally affects every single person around us, especially the ones we love.

I cannot express to you HOW MUCH I do not want to do that! I never, ever want to make someone feel like they are here on this earth to please me and if they don’t they are worthless! But unfortunately if we do not deal with this junk I have described above (and all of us have it in us at least somewhat and in someway), it will ferment and decay in us until it has consumed us and we are blind to it.

Basically, I’m just reminded even more how much that we all need Jesus. How much I need Jesus. And how incredibly awesome that is. We are not alone, we do not have to be perfect, nor does He want us to try to be perfect, we do not have to please others because that is impossible because of innate human selfishness and because God fulfills every person’s needs, and so many other awesome truths like that! :)

I can finally breathe again because I just let Jesus take all the impossible responsibilities and expected perfections that I had loaded myself with. Mmmmhmmmm… *deep breath* :)

And I’m reminded again that knowing Jesus is a beautiful thing. :)

I love you guys,
Mandy

We Americans We People July 31, 2008

I was reading this blog ( http://psalmonethirtynine.blogspot.com/2008/06/marketing-of-christianity.html ) and saw this prayer written below. We as Americans, we as people, all need to pray this prayer. I know I do. I know we are destined to do God wrong, but that doesn’t make me feel better after I have done so. He is so good. We are so bad. Yet in His immense goodness, He loves us and makes us free if we let Him. Astounding. :)

“Heavenly Father, we come before you today to ask Your forgiveness and seek Your direction and guidance. We know Your Word says “Woe to those who call evil good,” but that’s exactly what we have done. We have lost our spiritual equilibrium and inverted our values. We confess that: We have ridiculed the absolute truth of Your Word and called it moral pluralism; We have worshiped other gods and called it multiculturalism; We have endorsed perversions and called it alternative lifestyle; We have exploited the poor and called it the lottery; We have neglected the needy and called it self-preservation; We have rewarded laziness and called it welfare; We have killed our unborn and called it choice; We have shot abortionists and called it justifiable; We have neglected to discipline our children and called it building esteem; We have abused power and called it political savvy; We have coveted our neighbors’ possessions and called it ambition; We have polluted the air with profanity and pornography and called it freedom of expression; We have ridiculed the time-honored values of our forefathers and called it enlightenment. Search us, O God, and know our hearts today; try us and see if there be some wicked way in us; cleanse us from every sin and set us free. I ask it in the name of your Son, the Living Savior, Jesus Christ, Amen.”

 

My friend Leanna (her blog: http://hxchk.blogspot.com ) also wrote this poem, which reminds me of the prayer above. Oh Lord help Your followers.

 

christianity

christianity is
church on sunday and
wednesday and
always

is blue-eyed and
brown-haired and
bearded and
caucasian

is saying all the right things and
doing all the right things and
being at all the right places
and thinking all the right thoughts

is condeming and
unforgiving and
judgmental and
american

is like the brady bunch meets
a rock concert meets
motivational speaking meets
public demand

is not what He wanted or
what i wanted or
what the world needs or
what it was meant to be

is a competition of
charades, of
facades, of
who can be the most perfect

it is not about forgiveness or
beauty or
completion or
love

is not about love like
He is about love and
about beauty and

is not about Him, just
about us and

is robbing us
blind

An Ode to the homeless, the down and out, and the judged July 28, 2008

I am currently cleaning my room and I have the radio on. Suddenly this song comes on by Everlast that I have heard a dozen times but this time I really heard it.

One thing that absolutely breaks my heart and enrages me at the same time is how people treat the homeless, the down and out, or any other person they deem ok to judge without trying to understand them at all.

I was recently in Chicago with my family and some extended family and while we were walking around, we passed many, many homeless people, including some vets who had lost their limbs in war. My heart broke walking past them because I knew that I could not help every single one of them AND I saw how people were acting like they did not exist… like they were not humans too, who deserved love, respect, and a chance, maybe even a second or third chance.

And what disgusted me so much that I had to work really hard to hold my tongue was what my dad and two of my extended family members said. They immediately responded the exact way the man responds in the song and said things like “Why don’t they go to the VA! They will help them! Maybe because they’re freakin’ drug addicts and alcoholics and don’t want to work!” or “Ugh… why don’t they go get a job! Not like its hard!” or “I can’t believe those people are faking being a vet to get money! How horrible!” All of these exclamations were said with the utmost in disgust and judgment. My stomach literally turned.

And this was on the way back to our nice suites at a nice hotel and after we had stuffed ourselves with a nice meal… not like any of us have ever been even close to where they’ve been and are.

Its funny how much they (and many others) supposedly “know” about these people by just looking at them. They are all “drug addicts”, “alcoholics”, “liars”, “cheats”, “lazy slobs”, or any other horrible thing you could think of to say. But the funny thing is… they have never tried to even ask these people their stories. They just judge them. Giving these people NO chance at the help they need whether they are what those people say or not.

I know some people who work at the Walmart in Denton and are homeless. They can’t help it at all. The husband had a serious illness that took ALL their money in medical bills and they lost EVERYTHING. They live on the streets of Denton and try their best and work at the only place that will hire them because of their status… Walmart. These people are AMAZING, yet people walk by them constantly and judge them so much that I don’t know how they don’t just give up. No wonder some homeless people choose to self-medicate their pain with alcohol and drugs. They need help no matter what.

Also, I have read several article lately about how the vets are not getting what they need from the government. They have been severely disabled in war for their country and many are not getting what the government promised them. Also, many homeless shelters are overloaded and can’t afford to help every person (or family) in need. There are so many other reasons that people are really and seriously in need of help, but unfortunately most people don’t care enough to find out these things.

And I don’t agree with abortion, but the same goes for that part of the song. How about you take a second to understand that they are scared to death at what will happen and need some love. Prostitutes, drug dealers… any other person that is constantly judged… How about we love them?? God forbid that they may be so scared or so down and out that they have no idea how to just survive. They just need a chance. A real chance. Jesus would not respond even close to how most of us respond to these type of people everyday. He would love them. Love them.

How about we all do that…? Lets all try a lot of love, peace, and understanding… you won’t believe the amazing things that will happen with just those three things. :)

 

We’ve all seen the man at the liquor store beggin’ for your change
The hair on his face is dirty, dreadlocked and full of mange
He ask the man for what he could spare with shame in his eyes
Get a job you fuckin’ slob’s all he replied
God forbid you ever had to walk a mile in his shoes
‘Cause then you really might know what it’s like to sing the blues

Then you really might know what it’s like
Then you really might know what it’s like
Then you really might know what it’s like
Then you really might know what it’s like

Mary got pregnant from a kid named Tom who said he was in love
He said don’t worry about a thing baby doll
I’m the man you’ve been dreamin’ of
But three months later he said he won’t date her or return her call
And then she heads for the clinic and she gets some static walkin’ through the doors
They call her a killer, and they call her a sinner, and they call her a whore
God forbid you ever had to walk a mile in her shoes

‘Cause then you really might know what it’s like to have to choose
Then you really might know what it’s like
Then you really might know what it’s like
Then you really might know what it’s like
Then you really might know what it’s like

I’ve seen a rich man beg
I’ve seen a good man sin
I’ve seen a tough man cry
I’ve seen a loser win
And a sad man grin
I heard an honest man lie
I’ve seen the good side of bad
And the down side of up
And everything between I licked the silver spoon
Drank from the golden cup
Smoked the finest green
I stroked the baddest dimes at least a couple of times
Before I broke their heart
You know where it ends
Yo, it usually depends on where you start

I knew this kid named Max
He used to get fat stacks out on the corner with drugs
He liked to hang out late at night
Liked to get shit faced
And keep pace with thugs
Until late one night there was a big gun fight
Max lost his head
He pulled out his chrome .45
Talked some shit
And wound up dead

Now his wife and his kids are caught in the midst of all of his pain
You know it crumbles that way
At least that’s what they say when you play the game
God forbid you ever had to wake up to hear the news
‘Cause then you really might know what it’s like to have to lose
Then you really might know what it’s like
Then you really might know what it’s like
Then you really might know what it’s like
Then you really might know what it’s like

To have to lose…

~Everlast “What its like”

We all have wood and nails. July 19, 2008

“Jesus Christ, that’s a pretty face
The kind you’d find on someone that could save
If they don’t put me away
Well, it’ll be a miracle

Do you believe you’re missing out
That everything good is happening somewhere else?
But with nobody in your bed
The night’s hard to get through

And I will die all alone
And when I arrive I won’t know anyone

Well, Jesus Christ, I’m alone again
So what did you do those three days you were dead?
’cause this problem’s gonna last more than the weekend.

Well, Jesus Christ, I’m not scared to die,
I’m a little bit scared of what comes after
Do I get the gold chariot?
Do I float through the ceiling?

Do I divide and fall apart?
’cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark
And the ship went down in sight of land
And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands

I know you’re coming in the night like a thief
But I’ve had some time, O Lord, to hone my lying technique
I know you think that I’m someone you can trust
But I’m scared I’ll get scared and I swear I’ll try to nail you back up

So do you think that we could work out a sign
So I’ll know it’s you and that it’s over so I won’t even try

 

 

 

I know you’re coming for the people like me

But we all got wood and nails
And we turn out hate in factories
We all got wood and nails
And we turn out hate in factories
We all got wood and nails
And we sleep inside of this machine”

~Brand New “Jesus”

I love that song. I love the honesty and vulnerability in it. I also both love and hate how I (and honestly all humans everywhere) can relate to this song. I hate how completely awful I am to my loving Jesus. 

I do get scared often and try to nail Him back up. 

…I almost couldn’t breathe when I wrote that last sentence.

I hate that His love scares me sometimes and my reaction is to run.

Oh Jesus, how I need You.

 

We humans are control freaks July 18, 2008

You know what I’ve realized lately? How much we really don’t understand as humans. I mean seriously… we truly don’t understand about anything. And everything we do understand even somewhat is only from our very limited perspective on things… so we don’t even truly understand a lot of those things either. 

It cracks me up and breaks my heart at the same time when I see or meet people who truly think they are in control of their own lives. Reallllly? That is such an American mindset. Or a mindset of anyone who is remotely prosperous. Like I was reminded the other night when our power went out because of a storm for an hour and a half… we are soooooo not in control. 

I mean at any second the stock market could fall through for some crazy reason, some crazy guy could find a loophole in our government and take over, many people we love could die in some random natural disaster, we ourselves could die, we could lose all our money… I mean there could be a million things that could happen. But since these things usually don’t happen in the United States… most people at least partially believe they are in control. I mean I even sometimes start to subconsciously believe it. Yikes… I hate when that happens. 

I mean whats so good about being in control anyways? Then everything is up to you and only you. That sucks in my opinion. Because let’s see…. we’re sinful, so we do many, many, MANY things wrong and selfishly so if we were in control we would hurt many, many more people than we already do, including ourselves (since God often so graciously stops us from doing things to actually help us because we are about to royally screw things up). We’re also incredibly limited as human beings… we only have so many strengths, many weaknesses, a extremely limited perception of the world, ourselves, and others, our bodies are incredibly fragile, and so many other things.

We are not in control.

And thats a good thing!

I hate how “churchy” and “cliche” this is about to sound but its complete, glorious truth…

God is in control, and He’s so PERFECT for BEING in control. I mean well… He’s perfect. haha :) He loves perfectly, He sees perfectly, He knows perfectly, He knows the past, present, and future perfectly, He is unselfish, He never ever changes (when we humans are so fickle and unchanging its ridiculous)… need I go on? :) 

Yeah, it sucks sometimes that He is in control when we are being selfish and like a child exclaiming, “But I want it now!” or “But why NOT!?”. But I’ve often done that and its funny because every time I’ve done that, obviously God always does His will anyways… and it always turns out way better than what I originally wanted or ever could have dreamed! It doesn’t always look good at first. Health problems, breakups, death, losing your job… whatever it may be. But it always, always,always turns out for our good and the good of the Kingdom at the same time. 

That is just cool to me. At the same time… at the same time it turns out for OUR good AND the good of the Kingdom. 

Only God could orchestrate that. :)

Enough of my ramblings… just continually find that both funny and heartbreaking that we humans often both want to be and think we are in control. We’re crrrrazy. :)

Amen, amen, amen July 18, 2008

Thanks to Leanna for this quote. 

Nothing needs to be added to this quote. Amen, amen, amen to a lot of peace, love, and understanding. 

“Unless we take the time to learn what is sacred to the tribe we’re trying to reach, and until we learn to honor them and respect that thing and find a way to honor God and bridge that gap, it will take more years than necessary to communicate the greatest message that tribe will ever come to hear: In writing eternity into the hearts of all the tribes on earth God created a fragile spider web that connects all peoples to the heart of the Father God. If we are careful not to come in with bulldozer and heavy machinery of doctrines and agendas, we may be able to find that silvery strand.”

–James Alexander Langteaux

Hello World! July 18, 2008

Soo… I decided to start a blog. :) Hello everyone! Please feel free to comment on any of my blogs!