To someone who will probably never read this… September 24, 2008

I both love and hate when a song just reminds you so much of something painful thats happened to you…

You speak of love
But you ain’t no lover
You were a friend
More like a brother

As the miles pass beneath me
The sounds made so sweetly came to an end
…but now you’re a liar
And you’ve no room left to defend

I should have known better
Of the kind of man that you are

And I know you got a lot of pain
That’s born inside you
But instead of growing stronger
You let it divide you, oh

How could you be so careless?
How could you be so careless?

But a trust has been broken
And words, you refuse to speak
But you can mend

How could you be so careless
How could you be so careless
How could you be so careless with (my) heart?

~”Careless” by Amos Lee (some words changed by me)

Sometimes… September 7, 2008

Sometimes I wish I could go back to all the guys who have hurt me and tell them about how much they contributed to me being so fearful, confused, and paralyzed when it comes to relationships… scared to trust now when I’m naturally so trusting, hesitant to believe someone that they are who they say they are because none of them were, struggling to believe what they say is true and sincere and that they won’t just give up when things get tough, feeling like I should change myself sometimes because so many guys are afraid of a woman who is confident in Christ, and really… just so scared that I’d rather just be alone.

This is so not like me to write something like this… but right here, right now, I realized I needed to because thats exactly it… I’d rather take the blame than confront someone on what they did. I’m as honest and open as can be, but I hate to hurt, even if its the truth.

Hmmm… so many people and so many things flashing through my mind…

Sometimes I wonder… if only they knew.

What happened?
Where did you go?
I don’t recognize you now
Did I ever really know you?
You were so quick to criticize the people in my past
But you did everything they did
Hypocrite
You hurt me
But do you even care?